On tour: The Other Mother

If I worked, I'd never have to worry about playing with my kids.

If I didn't write, I could afford to be more creative about playing with my kids.

She manages to make it all work. Her kids are well-behaved, she writes, and her house is clean. What's her secret?

I can't count the number of times I've compared myself to other mothers, believing they had some secret to family bliss that I wasn't privy to. Over time and with gentle guidance from dear friends, I've learned that every mother gives something up. Time with her children. Time for herself. (A clean house!)

I am fortunate that my bad habit brought me together with my friends. Unchecked, comparisons lead to paranoia that can only divide--and conquer, ourselves and our relationships. That's what Gwendolen Gross explores in her new book, The Other Mother.

When Amanda moves into the home of Thea's erstwhile best friend, both women hope they can forge a new friendship. But Amanda is a mother who works out of the home, and Thea is a stay-at-home mother. During Amanda's emergency stay with her family in Thea's home, each woman drops hints and reads into the other's actions about her lifestyle--and each woman feels judged. Over time, those assumptions escalate into resentment and even fear.

Both Amanda and Thea are likeable and more importantly, easy to sympathize with. Their first awkward interactions show how much they want to be able to bond, but don't feel able to trust each other--or themselves. Although their narratives are indistinct from one another, Gross does an expert job of getting into each woman's head, and in doing so, shows us thoughts we all think at one time or another, no matter which side of the mother/work fence we're on, or even if we straddle it.

Motherhood, much more than choices in politics, food, clothing, or even socioeconomics, makes us vulnerable to tiny judgments. Why, when we call ourselves "tolerant" of others, do we think all mothers should move in lockstep? Why do our differences in maternal inclination make us believe we have less in common than we actually do?

The Other Mother relies on external events to change Amanda and Thea, some of which I wasn't sure were necessary; one in particular seemed a bit contrived for the sake of emotional impact. However, the fact that they do change their attitudes only after these events is not unrealistic. As people, we often find ourselves entrenched in our lives, believing we're unable to change our ways, until something happens to make us think maybe enough bad stuff happens in the world; maybe we should work harder to spread the love around. The Other Mother likewise works to make us think about ourselves, our relationships, and most of all, our assumptions—and what we can do to maintain more pragmatic expectations, instead of making a fantasy our goal.

It's contest time! Drop me a comment about the times you felt judged by another mother for the choices you made, and be eligible to win an advance reader copy of The Other Mother!