"Excuses," indeed
Joe Konrath recently posted a list of author excuses for why they don't self-promote. Second on the list? "I have a family/kids/a husband/pets/plants that need my attention."
Okay, the husband, pets, and plants really are an excuse. Kids... not so much. Not if you parent little ones, anyway.
Those who read Joe's blog regularly know that his is a rather "my way or the highway" approach, as one of his commenters noted. So, I emailed Joe asking him to clarify for those of us who do have small children. If my novel hypothetically sold this year or next, I asked, would it be fair to expect my children (assuming I have more than one by the time I have to think about promotion) to put up with Mama hitting bookstores, traveling, spending large quantities of time on radio shows, etc.? Or should I wait until they're both school-age, more independent, and better able to understand that Mama leaves sometimes for a few nights, but still loves them very much?
Joe's response? I'm still waiting. I don't know if he even has kids, but I suspect it doesn't matter much if he does; after all, he's got a wife to care for them while he writes and promotes. Same with Stephen King, whose wife, Tabitha, wrote several novels while taking care of their three littles. Granted, she probably doesn't need to wonder where her career would be if she hadn't been a mother; she's married to Stephen King. And if she does wonder? I bet ultimately, she doesn't care. Because she mothered children... while married to Stephen King.
So what about those of us whose spouses hold down the jobs that keep us fed, clothed, and housed while we pursue our dreams, which makes us primarily responsible for our littles along with our novels? There are groups like Momwriters and The Writing Mother, where professional and amateur writers gather to talk about mothering and writing. And there's the blogging community. Some mother-writers are even lucky to find each other in the same geographic locations.
In the meantime, Ann Douglas posted a wonderful double shot about mommy guilt. Ultimately, that's what it comes down to: guilt that we may not be doing enough to promote ourselves and our writing. Guilt that we may not be doing enough to promote our children's emotional health. Guilt that father-readers, to the best of my knowledge, don't feel as acutely as we do. Both choices impact society in one way or another, and the fact is, none of us has any way of knowing how. Sell more books, and you may touch more lives for the better. Spend more time with your child, and it may be your child who touches more lives... or maybe not.
It's a gamble. All of it is a gamble. That's why I don't think it's fair to make mother-writers choose between books and babies. As I told Joe, I want to do everything I can to promote myself and my books, but not at the expense of my children's emotional health. To that end, I would like to think there are some forms of self-promotion (blog book tours, local bookstores/readers club talks) that are more conducive to child-rearing than others (multi-city book tours, conferences). I've met several other struggling mother-writers through blogs and Internet groups; when the time comes, I just bet we'll be able to come up with new and bold ways to promote our books and still be home in time to put our littles to bed.
Mom-writers? Weigh in. Do we have to choose, or can we create options for ourselves? Dad-writers, too. Do you feel guilty about writing or promoting more than you spend time with your kids, or do you feel confident knowing your wives or partners have it all under control?
Okay, the husband, pets, and plants really are an excuse. Kids... not so much. Not if you parent little ones, anyway.
Those who read Joe's blog regularly know that his is a rather "my way or the highway" approach, as one of his commenters noted. So, I emailed Joe asking him to clarify for those of us who do have small children. If my novel hypothetically sold this year or next, I asked, would it be fair to expect my children (assuming I have more than one by the time I have to think about promotion) to put up with Mama hitting bookstores, traveling, spending large quantities of time on radio shows, etc.? Or should I wait until they're both school-age, more independent, and better able to understand that Mama leaves sometimes for a few nights, but still loves them very much?
Joe's response? I'm still waiting. I don't know if he even has kids, but I suspect it doesn't matter much if he does; after all, he's got a wife to care for them while he writes and promotes. Same with Stephen King, whose wife, Tabitha, wrote several novels while taking care of their three littles. Granted, she probably doesn't need to wonder where her career would be if she hadn't been a mother; she's married to Stephen King. And if she does wonder? I bet ultimately, she doesn't care. Because she mothered children... while married to Stephen King.
So what about those of us whose spouses hold down the jobs that keep us fed, clothed, and housed while we pursue our dreams, which makes us primarily responsible for our littles along with our novels? There are groups like Momwriters and The Writing Mother, where professional and amateur writers gather to talk about mothering and writing. And there's the blogging community. Some mother-writers are even lucky to find each other in the same geographic locations.
In the meantime, Ann Douglas posted a wonderful double shot about mommy guilt. Ultimately, that's what it comes down to: guilt that we may not be doing enough to promote ourselves and our writing. Guilt that we may not be doing enough to promote our children's emotional health. Guilt that father-readers, to the best of my knowledge, don't feel as acutely as we do. Both choices impact society in one way or another, and the fact is, none of us has any way of knowing how. Sell more books, and you may touch more lives for the better. Spend more time with your child, and it may be your child who touches more lives... or maybe not.
It's a gamble. All of it is a gamble. That's why I don't think it's fair to make mother-writers choose between books and babies. As I told Joe, I want to do everything I can to promote myself and my books, but not at the expense of my children's emotional health. To that end, I would like to think there are some forms of self-promotion (blog book tours, local bookstores/readers club talks) that are more conducive to child-rearing than others (multi-city book tours, conferences). I've met several other struggling mother-writers through blogs and Internet groups; when the time comes, I just bet we'll be able to come up with new and bold ways to promote our books and still be home in time to put our littles to bed.
Mom-writers? Weigh in. Do we have to choose, or can we create options for ourselves? Dad-writers, too. Do you feel guilty about writing or promoting more than you spend time with your kids, or do you feel confident knowing your wives or partners have it all under control?